thoughts.

haven’t been blogging for the longest time, but for me, this is pretty common since it takes the right mood and enough effort for me to do so.

i tend to blog alot when i experience sadness or disappointment in my relationship, and i’m glad that this time it is not for the same purpose. i was just thinking that different people mature and grow from different incidents and experiences. for me, it would have to be in the relationship arena.

knowing him has been the most wonderful thing to happen to me so far because more than bringing me happiness, he plays a really pivotal role in my shaping to become a better person. he is not the typical sweet, romantic boyfriend out of a romance movie, but he is definitely down-to-earth and very real. real in the sense that he always brings me down to reality, with his critique of my “wayward ways and thoughts” like my pride, my selfishness, my stubborness and what have you. but of course this does often become a source of quarrel because it is hard to take criticism, especially coming from someone who is supposed to dote on you and treat you like a princess (just like in movies, right?).

but during my moments of solitude, i think about all that he has done and is to me and i really appreciate him for all that. just 1 month into our 2nd year together, i do feel that our relationship has come a long way, and so have i. he says that he loves who i am more now, as compared to the girl that he first knew and i think i understand what he means. i have really grown and matured alot, through all the ups and downs in our relationships, and of course him bringing me into his spiritual world which im slowly opening up to.

in a bid to love each other more and reduce the frequency of quarrels, we have started this daily appreciation routine where we both take turns to tell each other what we appreciate the other for. while it seems rather mechanical, i must say its working out very well, with both of us feeling much more positive and appreciated (: although it may be too early to tell if we are the ones for each other, im really happy for where we are heading, together in this relationship.

faith has always been a problem for me in this relationship, but this is something that i have been working hard to have. our relationship is going to reach a new chapter as i will be flying off to Germany for close to 6 months soon. while i am apprehensive of the unknown, i am much more confident now because i believe that this is a trial that will only make our relationship stronger when we get through it. and i do feel it is necessary to go through it because we often appreciate and cherish things more after being put to test. i know i’m going to miss him alot but well, sometimes all we need is a little more faith in our hearts (:

tapestry of musings

been thinking about alot recently about life, directions, perspectives, change…hmm sometimes the thoughts fill my entire mind so much that i end up with such mixed feelings that i don’t really know what to make of it. but im grateful for having dear and may to talk to and for helping to un-clutter my thoughts (: i guess time will tell right?

my favourite quote of the day from may who commented,

“i think one day, when your determination to want to try to change to a better person exceeds your pride right, then you are ready”

that really put things in perspective for me. for now (:

 

Love Comes From Within

throughout my relationship journey, i realised that i have been subconsciously searching for answers. answers to questions of

1. is this how love is supposed to feel? (especially when we both had been through so much ups and downs and at times, that mounting disappointment just wears me out and reduces my faith)

2. if he loves me enough, why doesnt he do/say….?

3. why is it that others are like that and he cant do the same?

hmmm well and adding on that list, is my quest for ideal boyfriend qualities within him. all along i have strongly defended myself to the death about how its so not true when he comments that i am like that. but after so many countless quarrels and arguments and disagreements, i am starting to see SOME truth in that statement.

we had a good talk today. he tells me that im childish (an idea which i so strongly resisted too) but when he proceeded on to clarify he meant “emotionally childish”, i guess i kind of saw his point. i have gotten upset with him over so many many trivial matters and this in turn, has upset me and pushed me close to my limits as well. he told me that he would never suggest breaking up, and if we ever do, it will be because i suggested it. it brought me almost close to tears at that point, because those were the exact thoughts running through my mind when sometimes aft a quarrel i feel so disheartened and exhausted. he tells me its because he is very very patient and that he doesnt believe that trivial things should lead to a break up. he also says that but loving someone so very much can sometimes be so painful and difficult if you feel he doesnt meet ur expectations. of course, that would be in reference to me.

i always accuse him of not loving me enough and that i love him so very very much. but…on the other hand, here i am with these passing thoughts of breaking up over trivial matters because i feel i cannot take it anymore. i have never verbalise or realised these thoughts, but i think he sees them in my head. and then at this moment, i remember what he tells me. that “love comes from within”. thats how he always finds the strength and faith to continue in our relationship because each time we quarrel, he digs deep down inside his heart to find the love he has for me. and what can be greater than this love that he has for me? for showing grace. for showing patience.

i know he isnt perfect nor ideal. but i love him. and i think that if i love him i really should reciprocate more of these feelings towards him. patience especially. i made a promise that from now till my birthday (which is about 4 months) i will try very hard to change and when i hit 21, i will hopefully be a girlfriend who is more matured in her thinking and not a child anymore.

lol i started off wanting to write a light-hearted post about me seeing the light in our relationship and how great that is but i guess my thoughts just flowed naturally and my fingers just kept typing those thoughts.

don’t think too much. just let things happen naturally and enjoy the process.

i’ll do that baby<3

talk is cheap

i couldn’t take it anymore. not today.

such a small incident but it triggered such a huge outburst of emotions from me. kinda goes to show how much i was suppressing within me.

for all these while i’ve been giving and compromising and understanding and forgiving.

it’s time you did something beyond promising change. regretting not doing enough. feeling sad that you disappointed me.

IF you love me as much as you say you do, you will.

Wearing thin down to the core

The best thing about tonight’s that we’re not fighting

It could it be that we have been this way before?

I know you don’t think that I am trying

 I know you’re wearing thin down to the core

 

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don’t make me change my mind

 

Or I won’t live to see another day

I swear it’s true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

You’re impossible to find

 

 This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I’d never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

 

Ohh, but hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don’t make me change my mind

 

Or I won’t live to see another day

I swear it’s true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

It’s impossible

 

So breathe in so deep

Breathe me in, I’m yours to keep

And hold on to your words ’cause talk is cheap

And remember me tonight when you’re asleep

 

Will tonight be the night that you’ll fall for me again?

 

i don’t know what to say

i really don’t think its too much to ask for. that you text me or give me a call just to let me know how you’re doing. even if you are busy, i’m sure typing an sms won’t take you longer than 3min. surely you can spare me that little time if you truly care?

it’s really no excuse. you were simply taking me for granted because we are into our one year. do you know how hurtful it is?

 i honestly have nothing to say.

a tribute to our first year together..and many more to come :D

on 25 july 09, dear and i celebrated our 1 year anniversary together. and looking back, just 1 year ago on that exact date was the day he asked me to be his girlfriend (: hmm i would definitely say that it hasn’t always been smooth-sailing and while 1 year may not seem like a very long time, i feel that both of us have come so far in this year and it has been an incredible journey. one which allowed us to understand each other so much better, discover our own flaws, improve for each other and ultimately, be each other’s pillars of support.

for the celebration, we went to mana mana restaurant at ecp for dinner (: it was our first time experiencing al fresco dining and we both agreed that it rocks! (: it was surprisingly windy and non-humid and we were able to enjoy the nice scenery. the food was good too and not too expensive. anyway the surprise came after i went to the toilet.

dear asked me to sit down and he suddenly whipped out a towel-.- and attempted to blindfold me while messing my hair up in the process LOL. so anyway after like 5min or so, he led me to the sand and removed the blindfold. i was pleasantly surprised by the words which he had made using lightsticks and they said “happy 1 year” (:

well this may not seem like much to the romantics out there but to me, it was an incredibly great deal! because i know that he hardly ever does so much and is hardly ever romantic too, which makes what he had done so amazing he told me that for all his ex gfs, the anniversary is usually dinner followed by movie and he has never done sth like that before. so u can just imagine how happy and loved i felt(:

thank you sweetie for everything you did for me and i look forward to spending many many many more anniversaries with you (:

i love you so so much!

and Lady Luck shines on us! :D

today was a cool day because during our different outings, dear and i have tried many many times to kiap yoshi from those kiaping machines but FAILED MISERABLY! each time we’ll walk away grudgingly and go “eeee..machine cheap ppl money one.. next time dun play already” but each time we see it, in our coins go again haha.

but today! today was DIFFERENT! because we finally succeeded!

haha look how happy and contented i am! THANKS BABY (:

on a sidenote, we talked about some other stuffs too which turned the atmosphere solemn and reflective. admittedly, it hasn’t been an easy 11th mth especially with the amount of conflicts we have had. but between us, we know that everything will work out in the end (:

for myself, i would have to work on becoming less sensitive and explosive and more trusting. i really should learn to just enjoy the process as dear has so often reminded me. and i will sweetheart. this i promise you okay (:

we will write our own love story, one so unique and precious and unlike any other (:

cool beans max! :D

today was a great day!

watched transformers with dear at an unearthly hour of 10am at marina square. it wasn’t by choice really, but because it was a free movie trip by courtesy of SAF. lol and the movie only started at 1030am so the 30min before that was mainly army sign on propoganda! -.- nevertheless, the movie was GREAT! i LURRRVVEEE OPTIMUS PRIME!!!

haha i can say for sure that i enjoyed it as much as i do a chick-flick:p and weirdly enough, i’ve always loved watching boy cartoons. other than transfomers, there was spiderman, batman and others which i cant remember and now, superhero shows are my favourites along with chick flicks!

after that we went back to his house to watch Coraline as his sister owns the dvd. i liked the show too! its unlike the usual pixar disney cartoons and has a rather darker, morbid undertone but well, that’s what you would expect from the creators of nightmare before christmas. lol and the characters have funny names. other than coraline,there’s why-were-you-born wyborne! haha his name keeps getting stuck in my head today!

for dinner, mum treated us to…..THAI VILLAGE SHARKSFIN!!!! omg it was absolutely heavenly! we each had one golden pot of steaming braised sharksfin with crabmeat to ourselves! ignoring the ethical implications of heartlessly killing sharks slowly by throwing them back into the sea after removing their fins(which my dad’s friend totally insists is not the case although its questionable cos he owns a chinese restaurant), i really did enjoy that meal haha

after dinner was the unusual experience which i think most people wouldnt have experienced! i actually went to a club with my mom and my boyfriend! HOW COOL IS THAT?! haha okay the place wasnt your typical zouk or butter factory but more of a dance club. there was live singing and people dancing salsa! was pretty cool and after watching it totally made me feel like learning salsa too!!

WE SHALL GO LEARN SALSA SOME TIME OKAY DEAR?

toodles~.

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