throughout my relationship journey, i realised that i have been subconsciously searching for answers. answers to questions of
1. is this how love is supposed to feel? (especially when we both had been through so much ups and downs and at times, that mounting disappointment just wears me out and reduces my faith)
2. if he loves me enough, why doesnt he do/say….?
3. why is it that others are like that and he cant do the same?
hmmm well and adding on that list, is my quest for ideal boyfriend qualities within him. all along i have strongly defended myself to the death about how its so not true when he comments that i am like that. but after so many countless quarrels and arguments and disagreements, i am starting to see SOME truth in that statement.
we had a good talk today. he tells me that im childish (an idea which i so strongly resisted too) but when he proceeded on to clarify he meant “emotionally childish”, i guess i kind of saw his point. i have gotten upset with him over so many many trivial matters and this in turn, has upset me and pushed me close to my limits as well. he told me that he would never suggest breaking up, and if we ever do, it will be because i suggested it. it brought me almost close to tears at that point, because those were the exact thoughts running through my mind when sometimes aft a quarrel i feel so disheartened and exhausted. he tells me its because he is very very patient and that he doesnt believe that trivial things should lead to a break up. he also says that but loving someone so very much can sometimes be so painful and difficult if you feel he doesnt meet ur expectations. of course, that would be in reference to me.
i always accuse him of not loving me enough and that i love him so very very much. but…on the other hand, here i am with these passing thoughts of breaking up over trivial matters because i feel i cannot take it anymore. i have never verbalise or realised these thoughts, but i think he sees them in my head. and then at this moment, i remember what he tells me. that “love comes from within”. thats how he always finds the strength and faith to continue in our relationship because each time we quarrel, he digs deep down inside his heart to find the love he has for me. and what can be greater than this love that he has for me? for showing grace. for showing patience.
i know he isnt perfect nor ideal. but i love him. and i think that if i love him i really should reciprocate more of these feelings towards him. patience especially. i made a promise that from now till my birthday (which is about 4 months) i will try very hard to change and when i hit 21, i will hopefully be a girlfriend who is more matured in her thinking and not a child anymore.
lol i started off wanting to write a light-hearted post about me seeing the light in our relationship and how great that is but i guess my thoughts just flowed naturally and my fingers just kept typing those thoughts.
don’t think too much. just let things happen naturally and enjoy the process.
i’ll do that baby<3
